Andrew's Upstanding US Citizen Homepage

Spider-man 3 is.. so bad. So bad. Astonishingly bad.

This was the show "The Producers" wish they could have made.

Filled with terrible gags, shitty acting, gaping plot holes, worthless characters, fanboy fallacies, and a flock of seagulls, this was one of the worst movies ever. Like Catwoman and Batman Forever, you have to wonder how the fuck these movies get made.

Everything either fell flat or was laughably HORRIBLE. "Oh how convenient, an atomical science experiment that you can just stumble into." "J Jonah Jameson can do physical comedy too, right?" "It's OK, Mary Jane doesn't need integrity; it doesn't allow us to tell this awful story." "So uhh, how does someone who's cool act?" "Venom's not important enough for a story, is he?" "You know, I always wanted to make a musical."

Absolute horse piss.

It felt like a movie that was advertised to teens, but created for 5 year olds. Dead fish physical comedy slaps you in the face and insults your intelligence with forced annoying devices, WAY over the top cheese, and a fucking musical number. When Toby "Idiot Grin" Maguire styled his hair like he's emo, I should have taken that as my cue to walk out of the theater.

Everything down to the music in the opening credits sucked. The movie starts out slow and you forgive it. You think, "It's ok, there's a lot that's going to happen in this movie, so I can handle a boring beginning." And then by the time you're thinking, "Gee, that was a really convenient location for that plot device," you're forgiving it some more because you know you're watching a comic book movie; and demolecularization experiments are always performed out in the fucking open where anyone can stumble into them, right? Expect more. Expect selective amnesia, out-of-nowhere religious insanity, and absolutely no explanation for 90% of the poorly portrayed emotions you're about to be assaulted with.

And when nobody displays any immediate worry for their daughter or girlfriend dangling in the air 60 stories above their imminent death, you forgive them because hey, even though Spider-Man isn't on the scene yet, you know he's gonna save the day eventually. You're finally torn when Mary Jane turns from the strong, confident and beautiful gal that you know from your childhood fantasies into a fickle, insecure, spineless tool with absolutely no dignity. You're doubting your faith in your favorite superhero when he starts looking like he listens to Deathcab for Cutie. By the time you hit the musical number, you have resolved that it will probably be all worth it when you see the final fight scene.

So wrong.

I have to focus on Venom for a second here. You see, in the comics, Venom was Spider-Man's best adversary. When you read the comics you knew that when Venom shows up, you're in for a hell of a story. Surely, even in this skewed movie-world where things are never adapted to be exactly like their source, they would give Venom the place in the Spider-Man universe that he deserves. Nope. He doesn't even speak of himsef as two entities. In fact, when he delivers most of his lines, his "mask" is pulled back to display the dopey Topher Grace's pathetic mug.

Infused with corny dialogue from a news reporter, the final fight scene is not the finale you have all been waiting for. This movie doesn't only fail from too many details to focus on, it suffers from a general lack of quality in all aspects of moviemaking. The acting is bad. The sound effects are amatuer. The plot devices are contrived. The casting is without effort. And yeah, even Danny Elfman didn't get both feet out of bed to put the opening theme together.

If you have standards, you will not like this movie.